Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Entertainment redefined..

This monsoon, we are going to have showers with a 'K'.
Come July, NDTV's much awaited entertainment channel in partnership with Karan Johar rolls out.

I happened to lay my hands on some manuscripts of Nostradamus' writings, which had clear pointers to the kind of watershed(water closet?) this 'NDTV K-JO' channel could be.

Yes, the channel will be named ' NDTV K-JO’.

I don’t know which one among the cerebral publications, Times of India and Filmfare coined the name 'K-Jo' to describe the macho Mr. Johar, but as it always happens with these papers, the name sounds highly original. Media analysts speaking on NDTVs 'India questions...' program concluded that the name 'K-Jo' is a natural and spontaneous offshoot of the love people have for the director. The 'journalist' hosting the program snatches the mike from a guy in the audience when starts talking about somobody called Jenneifer Lopez.

Now, I dont really want to broach on the kind of daily soaps that will be aired on ' NDTV K-JO’, but be sure that even Karan Johar would find it tough to outdo Ekkta KKapourr in churning out tele-feces. Reports say that the first serial to start shooting for the channel has the working title 'Maang mein Sindhoor, Pati, Puja aur Pyar'-MSP3.

Inspired by the huge popularity that 'Big Brother' managed to achieve, a similar program takes off on 'NDTV K-JO'.

The set for this program is almost 10 times the size of the house used for 'Big Brother'. As we all know, the one who survives 10 days in the house without being evicted wins.

The show has the most happening stars on board - Vivek Mushran, Mayoori Kango, Atul Agnihotri, Arun Govil, Juhi Babbar, Esha Deol and Dukro, a piglet hailing from the Enugu state of Nigeria.
Seven days into the show, no one gets evicted.
To get things moving, Shilpa Shetty is roped in. One by one, all the 'stars' leave the show voluntarily. On the final day, the Nigerian Pig Dukro gets evicted when Shilpa Shetty uses the most lethal weapon she possessed - she sits in front of the camera and weeps for 4 hours, all the while complaining how the pig called her 'the ugliest creature on the show'. The audience evicts the pig.

But this sparks off a widespread debate across the nation. Intelligent followers of Indian television felt that had the pig called Shilpa Shetty something like "the most annoying" or "the biggest pain in the ass", it would have sounded fair. But to call her the biggest eyesore?! I mean, Esha Deol and Juhi Babbar were around in the show, weren't they?

The Sunday prime time slot is booked for 'Screenwriting classes with Sooraj Barjatya'.
In the first episode, Sooraj Bharjatya discloses the secret behind his tremendous success in making dogs act in his movies. "You cannot force them to act. You have to create such an atmosphere for the dog that it identifies with you.....It should feel that it is a part of your 'Parivaar'. Let me give you a demo"..
Sooraj Bharjatya then leads his dogs to his garden, takes off his pants, lifts his left leg up and starts peeing all over the plants. All the dogs imitate him....Karan Johar, with tears in his eyes, says " see...this is the power of love".

"People are fed up of watching stupid game shows, they will be really excited once they see what we have in store for them" says Karan Johar, talking about his 'Karva Chauth' tournament..."whoever performs the best 'Karva Chauth' and touches my heart the most, wins".
A guy named Rahul wins the tournament for 'touching' the masculine Mr.Johar the most, in various places.

Then there is a weekly program on the making of Karan's new movie..."I cannot go back to making mushy love stories, you know. I have tasted blood with 'KANK'..I am gonna delve deeper into human relations with my next film - 'Spank'"....The half hour program has exclusive shots of the 40 crore set for the hero's house. This is the house where the hero (spelt S-H-A-H R-U-K-H) chases the heroines to spank them while his mother runs behind him screaming "beta..maa kaa aasheervaad nahi loge?"...
"I have tried to be as true as possible to my script" says Karan Johar, "the song 'spank me mahive, spank me soniye' will have 800 dancers, all dressed in jock straps desinged by Manish Malhotra"..

NDTV launches a television debate on this movie with Barkha Dutt asking everyone "Why can't we accept bold themes??..Is India not ready for this?". The panelists include Javed Akhtar, Shabana Azmi and Suhel Seth - all three on NDTV's 'Expert Panelist' payroll.

Opinion polls are conducted all over India to find out what people expect form the channel (with special focus on places like Gurgaon, Faridabad and Chandigarh).
Three respondents named Neha, Shikha and Sameer, interviewed in a shopping mall in Gurgaon, said they were eagerly waiting for this channel to come on air. They felt, with the 'emotional, sensitive and hip' K-Jo at the helm, the channel would mirror the ‘combination of traditional and modern values’ that India represents. They hoped that their fashion icons like Zayed khan and Shahid kappoor will be given a lot of coverage in the channel. The three of them were seen next, going into a beauty salon in the mall to get their hair streaked bronze and gold, Kareena Kapoor style.

Chennai has CAS. And the ‘arasangam’ here decides on what people should watch. Looks like I will be one of those unlucky ones to miss out on NDTV K-JO.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Game Over!

"No more endorsements" said the BCCI to the Indian cricketers..Everyone, except Sreesanth seemed to have understood what they meant. Sreesanth thougt that the board was restricting them from watching promos on TV. But the board made it clear later on that its decision to clampdown on personal endorsements for its players was one of the many steps it has taken to bring the Indian Cricket back on track, following India's first round exit from the World cup.

A high level meeting of the board members was held yesterday in Mumbai to discuss the future of Cicket in India. After a 15 minute discussion on what should be served for lunch, BCCI President Sharad Pawar started forwarding a new MMS doing rounds in the country to all the members of the board. BCCI Secretary Niranjan Shah, after watching the MMS 9 times, said "bhideo to majedaar hai...lekin ee babua angreji mein kaa bol raha hai???"

Post lunch, all the members took a nap till 4:40 in the afternoon. Realising that they have to address the press at 5:00, everyone woke up and discussed Cricket for 15 minutes. Pawar jotted down some of the important points from the brain storming session and left for the press conference with Niranjan Shah.

By the time they reached the hall, it was packed with press people.

"Thank you everyone..it has been a hectic day for us..we are pleased to tell you all that we managed to come up with some brilliant strategies for the revival of the game." said Sharad Pawar.

One of the journalists interrupted him - "Sir..I have a question for Mr. Niranjan Shah"

A perturbed Niranjan Shah shot back - "dekhiye..kirket ke baare mein jo kuch bhi pooch naa hai inse poochiyega....hum kuch nahi bol saktey..chahiye to aapko ek mastibhara MMS bhejdenge".

"Let me place before you the various initiatives we plan to take up in the coming months. If you still have questions after that, I will be more than pleased to answer them" said Sharad Pawar.

"As you know, we have appointed Ravi Shastri as the manager for the Bangladesh tour. We will also have a research analyst, a couple of software engineers and a DTP specialist who will give him a detailed report at the end of the day. This arrangement will be tried for our sebsequent tours to Iran, Maldives and Kazkhistan. If the team wins the games against these nations, it will mean that our plan worked!!

Apart from the bowling,fielding and batting coaches, the team will also be provided with seperate coaches for helping the players in wearing pads, abdomen gurads, assisting them in rolling the grips on the bats, facilitating them in having drinks with their helmet on......and many other key aspects.

We are looking at the option of introducing 'hafta' culture into our circket wherein the players pay a part of their earnings from endorsements - to the board, on a weekly basis. This will keep them focussed on the game"

"How exactly?????" a journalist stiting in the front row asked..

Sharad Pawar, with a grin on his face, said " you will see..."

"We also feel that too much appreciation from the commentators during the game has spoiled the players..We will make arrangements with all the sports channels to have Ranjit Fernando and Rameez Raza as commentataors for all the games involving India..They have a fantastic record of saying nothing good about the Indian players"

"Before anyone says that we are being harsh on the players, let me assure you that we have a lot of incentives lined up for them...If the captain wins the toss, he will be given a plate of dahi vada. Supposing India is in a losing position and it rains, the entire team will be given seasonal passes to ride the city buses in Chennai"

Concluding the session, Mr. Sharad Pawar said "one of the major outcomes of our meeting today was the decision to gradually phase out ex cricketers from the selction committee and the board. We will be holding discussions with Deve Gowda,Vaiko and Rabri Devi to nominate people who will help us take the Indian Cricket into the future.......so..any questions?"

Seriously......ANY QUESTIONS?????????

Tuesday, March 6, 2007


one more week for the world cup to get going..
Everyone's contributing their bit to make this event a huge success.

Indian Team

The Indian Cricket team left for West Indies the day before yesterday. All the news channels had pictures of the team waving hands to the fans from inside the bus.

Sourav Ganguly and Greg Chappel arrived ala Jai and Veeru on a motorbike with a side car - Ganguly driving and Chappel riding the side car. As planned earlier, 'Ye Dosti hum nahi chodengey' was played on the loud speaker.

All the questions that the waiting journalists intended on asking these two were answered by that one gesture.

Minutes later, Ganguly and Chappel were caught fighting for the window seat in the team bus. Ganguly, somehow, got hold of the seat. Chappel took out his laptop and started mailing the BCCI about the incident. Experts opined that Ganguly will be sent home halfway through the world cup for 'fitness' reasons.

All the news channels promised the viewers that a copy of the mail sent by Chappel to the BCCI will be delivered to every household in India, along with the next day's newspaper.

Most of the players looked very excited just before they got into the bus...Sehwag didn't. He rushed out of his car and went straight to the corner most seat of the bus. No interviews, no bye-byes. Inside sources later revealed that he was pissed off with the BCCI for refusing to sponsor his hair transplant surgery.

Yuvraj Singh is expected to be super fit for the first two matches - against Bangladesh and Bermuda. He might have a hamstring injury just before the second round starts.

Indian team - all set for the huddle.


It’s decided!! All the news channels in India will have female journalists as sports reporters and presenters for the world cup. It all started when Sonali Chander (name NOT changed) decided to take on Harsha Bhogle and the likes to change the face of Sports Journalism on TV. A lot of people have serious doubts on her knowledge of the game - I beg to differ. She calls Harbhajan Singh 'Bhajji' - 246 times in half an hour. Don’t tell me she doesn't know Cricket.

Icing on the cake - For the entire world cup, she is going to have an 'expert' analyst to complement her insightful observations and analyses: Navjot Singh Sidhu!

ICC's anti-corruption unit

A week ago, a local sugarcane farmer in Jamaica had called up the head of the Meteorological department, Mr.Samuels Samaraveeran, to find out the rain forecast for the coming month.

The next day, Delhi police issued a sensational statement saying that Mr. Samraveeran is a Jamaican bookie and is involved in match fixing. They claimed to possess tapes of Mr. Samraveeran talking to a cricketer over the phone and divulging weather information in West Indies. They assured the media that the identity of the cricketer would be disclosed soon.

The West Indies Cricket Board immediately ordered the phones of all human beings in West Indies be tapped. Everyone was intrigued as to why Michael Holding's and Cameroon Cuffy's phones were spared.

Match referees

Their preparations started when the Sri Lankans toured Australia the last time.

Ricky Ponting was spewing racial slurs at Dilhara Fernando for bowling a good ball. Malinga Bandara, fielding at the third man position, was tying his shoe lace. The match referee took note of the entire situation. He immediately slapped a three match ban on Malinga Bandara for bringing the game into disrepute.

The ICC issued a press release saying that if any player is found misbehaving on the ground by tying shoe laces or digging noses, stern and immediate action will be taken against them.


Run outs, stumpings, LBWs, no balls, wides - everything is directed to the third umpire, making the two umpires on the ground a lot more relaxed than they should be. The ICC declared the situation alarming, following a recent incident involving Steve Bucknor.

A new batsman, taking guard, asked Bucknor if his bat was in line with the leg stump. Bucknor stared at him for 10 seconds and referred it to the third umpire.

Anyway, the ICC has the situation under control now. Instructions have been given to all the umpires to rule the batsman out if he asks the umpire's help in taking guard.

Illegal bowling action

Brett Lee's ruled out of the world cup. For a long time to come, Shoaib Akhtar will be busy with Mohammed Asif in his bathroom (no, not that....just depositing urine samples for the dope tests they have to undergo).

So, all eyes will be on Muralitharan's 'deformed-at-birth' hand. But he has nothing to worry about. The ICC has increased the 'allowed angle of bend in the bowling arm' to 148 degrees. The Sri Lankan team plans on hiring a 'baseball' player as their bowling coach for the world cup.

As per the latest update on the ICC's rule book, if any one calls Muralitaharan a 'chucker', he/she/it/they will be punished for violating #8973 of 'The code of conduct for the followers of the game'.

So there....all the pieces are falling right into place for the World Cup.